Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
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An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!