Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
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Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.