After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
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(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon