Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
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The Struggle
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Rooting for the overdog
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long