HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
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When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]