gentlemen, hear me out
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Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA