A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
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Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.