earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
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[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
this is the best interaction on twitter