4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
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*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*