ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
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*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
new wife guy just dropped