The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
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My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
The Struggle
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
The glockness monster
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.