Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
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My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Word!
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”