When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
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Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Denise please return my vape pen
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH