For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
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[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
spot the difference
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
this will hang in the louvre one day
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns