when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
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Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
My dad.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.