Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
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Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last