I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
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My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.