“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
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Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.