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Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
The future is now.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
hi why am I like this
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”