Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
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Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it