Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
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Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
ready to be harvested
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Those are good neighbors.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.