one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
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My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
yea so i messed up lol
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat