yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like π π π until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind isβ¦
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Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no itβs 8am
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say Iβm an endangered species.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.