Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
You Might Also Like
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Sounds like a bargain
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.