Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
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[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway