MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
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Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.