While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
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“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I just ran a .003048K
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
we all know this pain all too well
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Happens to everyone.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.