Muppet Screams
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Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
just got my engagement photos
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.