I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
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Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat