Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
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Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Lmao
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
No Google it does not
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.