who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
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An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.