Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
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BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.