I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
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Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.