I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
You Might Also Like
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Stop being racist to kettles.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
work smarter, not harder
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.