I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
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Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room