One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
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doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Hit me in the face with a bird
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.