Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
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Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ