[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
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“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes