ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
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A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”