Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
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LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
How times have changed.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die