If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
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It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”