A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
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Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I’m calling the cops.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*