Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
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Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
i- i did not expect this
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today