My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
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Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Cake!!
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Give a baker flours on your first date.