[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
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Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled