Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
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what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I only eat vegetarians.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Green is just blue that someone peed in
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.