I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
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Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Boating season is upon us.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie