A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
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Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Reporter: *ports again*
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
SPLOOT
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise