I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
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TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I support this random dude and all his protests
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?