Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
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ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
This is I, Robot all over again
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt